Most of you ladies already know how this works, but I thought I’d let all my newly-married friends in on the process. It doesn’t take very long to master.
- Go shopping with a friend.
- Find overpriced outfit and fall in love. Friend says it makes your boobs look bigger, your butt look smaller and your legs look longer. Have you been working out?
- Purchase outfit. And coordinating accessories. Aaaaand those new heels (they were 40% off, you savvy shopper, you).
- Part ways with friend. Drive home alone in your car. In the silence and solitude, reality suddenly hits….recall how your husband reacted to your last big purchase.
- Sweat profusely.
- Remember your fail-safe plan and immediately relax.
- Stop by the store and pick up your husband’s favorite drink. Actually, make that two, because you’re that thoughtful.
- Make it home before your husband does. Leave all shopping bags in your trunk except the one with the shoes. You will be using them as a prop later on.
- Go inside, set husband’s drink next on the side table next to his favorite chair. Turn on the football game.
- Slip into your fabulous new heels.
- Husband comes home and is delighted by your thoughtfulness. Ask him if he noticed your new shoes. Tell him that they were on sale. Tell him his muscles look bigger today. Tell him he’s your favorite. BUTTER HIM UP, GOOD.
- Let him watch the game and enjoy his drink.
- Now quick, while he’s distracted, run back out to your car and get all the shopping bags. Sneak them inside and hide them in the VERY back corner of your closet, under that old ratty blanket. Casually toss another blanket over it. Make it look natural, and like it’s been untouched for months.
- Next week, wear your new shirt. The following week, prance around the house in the skirt. Subtly and gradually introduce your husband to each item you purchased, but NEVER be the first one to point anything out.
